Staying Motivated When Your Goal Seems Out of Reach
Motivation is key to accomplishing our goals. Without it, we have nothing driving us to move forward and persist in the face of defeat or frustration. Motivation is a tricky thing. It often comes and goes without warning. When progress toward our goals is slow, its very easy to loose focus—or procrastinate, thinking “I’ll get to that tomorrow.” Whatever it is we seek to change—from loosing weight to quitting smoking to finding a solid relationship, we have the ability to accomplish it. Sometimes, its just a matter of staying motivated.
FRAMES is an easy way to keep yourself motivated. I’ve adapted the technique from the work on motivational interviewing done in Norway by William Miller. Motivational interviewing is used to help individuals do several things—eliminate resistance (changing even though there are good parts about not changing), increasing “change talk” (the more we talk about making a change, the more likely we are to actually do so), and eliciting self-motivational statements (when we believe we have the ability to make a change, we are more likely to be successful). So, let’s get to it!
F = Feedback. Pretend you are an observer of your own life. What would you tell yourself? How is your current behavior different from what you need to do to make20your goal a reality? Create a feedback statement such as, “I’m eating ten cupcakes per day. People who are healthy tend to eat fewer cupcakes.” Make the statement non-judgmental and base it on what you think the healthy or desirable behavior is. Another example would be, “I tend to date people who aren’t self sufficient. Many people in happy relationships have a partner who is able to take good care of him or herself.” Use this statement to point out the discrepancy between where you are now and how that is different from where you want to be.
R = Responsibility. Understand that what you do about your situation, whether you want to completely change your life or just quit a bad habit, is your responsibility. Its up to you. I have a friend who often tells me, Sarah, “If its meant to be, its up to me.” And those words are often quite accurate. Understand that choosing to change something about yourself or your life is your choice. No one can force you to make the change. You are doing so because you are unhappy, unhealthy, or unsatisf ied with the situation as it is today. Recognize the responsibility you have for making the change. And, know that it is up to you.
A = Advice. Encourage yourself to consider the advice of others, and even your own advice. I’m sure if a friend were to come to you and tell you about a goal he or she would like to reach, you would be tempted to offer advice. So, what advice would you give yourself in your situation? Remember, advice is a funny thing. We like giving it but not so much taking it. And, advice doesn’t often encourage us to change. What it does do is present solutions. Consider all solutions. You never know which one might stick. Encourage yourself to consider all the options and solutions available to you. Brainstorm. Write down your ideas. Give yourself your best advice, and gently encourage yourself to consider all the possibilities.
M = Menu. As you develop your solutions and strategies for reaching your goal, list out your menu of options. Menus are great tools. They give us choices and present all the options available. Its up to us to choose. When you have your menu of options, you can choose as few or as many as you like to help you reach your goal. In our cupcake example, our friend is ultimately trying to loose weight. She has identified that eating 10 cupcakes per day does not help her to reach her goal so she decides to cut the number down. Only problem? She loves cupcakes! So, what’s on her menu of options for making the change? Well, some ideas might include: no cupcakes in the house, every time she eats a cupcake she must put $5 in a “cupcake consequence” jar, call a friend every time a craving hits, identify a reward for each 24 hour period when a cupcake is not eaten. The list could go on and on. The most effective solution is the one that most motivates our friend. She may think nothing of paying $5 every time she eats a cupcake, but she may really be motivated by the reward of watching her favorite TV shows.
E = Empathy. Empathy basically means to put yourself in someone else’s shoes and imagine how he or she might be feeling. Empathy, in this case, is really self-compassion. You must be compassionate with yourself to understand that change can sometimes, for some people, be difficult. We can’t keep doing the same things and expect the results to be different. We must sometimes do different things to reach our goals. Understand that the process is not always easy or quick, so be compassionate, and make statements like, “This may be hard for me, so maybe I need support.” Or “I’d love to go on forever eating 10 cupcakes a day. I’m sad to give them up.” Be kind to yourself as you transition to new behaviors.
S = Self-Efficacy. Self-efficacy refers to a belief that we are capable of accomplishing a goal, completing a task, or making a change. When you are working toward the accomplishment of a goal, it helps a whole lot to believe that you’ll get to your goal. And, you will. Keep telling yoursel f, “I can do this.” “I will reach my goal.” The more specific you make your self-efficacy statements, the better. For example, “I know I will succeed because I have friends to support me, I have the resources I need, I have been able to say no to cupcakes in the past.”
This FRAMES model was developed for use by counselors, physicians, and others to help people increase their motivation for change. However, you can use this in your own life to increase motivation for accomplishing your goals. And you can help friends and family to reach theirs. When they come to your with a behavior they want to change or a goal they want to reach, use the FRAMES technique and you’ll see they feel much more motivated after.
With Encouragement.
Sarah Shore, M.S.
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